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Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
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Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
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it sucks when you come to the realization that being in college is probably a waste of your time since you are simply not smart enough to attain your goal (willpower and hardwork seem to only go so far) as well as the realization that you will fail alone.
lifes a bitch.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | bullshit |
| Time: | 12:30 am. |
| Mood: |  cynical. | | Music: | dryer. |
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short little rant for now.
but then i went blank -- thats the problem with this thing. im like intimidated by it. i want to just say how much everything pisses me off and how i hate the fact that i let people get under my skin and run me like they do and how i hate the fact that certain people can affect how i fuckin feel so much when in the end, it doesnt fucking matter. the fact that i can go on vacation to a school in a city that is supposed to be one of the best times ever and have the top ten shittiest experiences of my life and want to have left within tweleve hours of getting there says something doesnt it. its all because i decide that because i can put so much into a friendship and that i feel that when you have a friend you let them know that they are your friend by trying to make sure they ahve a godo time in your presence - especially when they are visiting you - i feel that because thats how my mind works, most other people's do too.
its a rude awakening when you live so blindly only to have it shoved in your face as those who were your friends' aquaintances were treated like they were the most important people in the world as you get pushed to the back - literally - and simply used as that little buffer.
i feel like such a bitch. such a tool. a tool in the sense of the word, andrew. one uses a tool to help accomplish thier goal in completeling a project. i was a tool the past 4 days. i got used adn then throw aside. or so i feel. ha. so much for a such thing as real friends.
bullshit. thats all that comes to mind now. bullshit.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
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so i really do not even know how long its been since i last wrote in this. I dont really know what to write. its the end of yet another semester, and yet again, it went by even faster than the last one. I sit here in my room and i just dont even kno what to think. I dont really know what to want to know. Does that make sense? I go through each day and I try to make the best of it, but it just doesnt seem like that is good enough. There are too many things that dont allow a peaceful, stressless day to occur. Wheather its drama or class work or exams or future or past, something seems to find its way into the day to prevent it from moving smoothly.
Maybe its just me. Maybe i cant think straight and maybe i cant really go through a day, week, month, year...life functionally. I dont really know. It just seems to be the same reoccuring thing over and over again. When i come home on the off occasion that i go out, or before i go to bed, the same thought goes through my mind. overrated. applying to everything.
i dont even know why i write in this. i dont know what to say, what should i write whats on my mind? my mind is wandering like hell. i dont understand why some of my friends tell me that they want to talk, hang out, chill, whatever and dont. i dont understand why no matter how hard i try, i never seem to truly grasp anything i "learn" in my classes. i dont understand the point of trying to be happy if the only way to achieve that is to feel like shit before or after or both. i dont understand why i cant ever sleep anymore. i dont understand why people dont understand the way i think (which i think is pretty practically). I dont understand why girls act one way but supposedly mean another thing but either meaning you think to be true is incorrect. i dont understand why guys have to be such dicks to girls to begin with because whats the point of hurting someone. i dont understand why i think that i can succeed in situations where everything is stacked against me. inspiration, motivation, determination, desire, willpower, all can only go so far if anywhere. whats the point of meeting new people if in the end they are either a. going to forget about you, or b. just simply never speak to you again. i dont understand my dependance on the acceptance of people. i wish i could be "content" (whatever the fuck that bullshit means) with the idea of not having anyone in my life and living w/o the needing people to approve of me.
for those of you who wanted me to update, here ya go. who the fuck knows when the next one will be. i mean, whats the point of this anyways? for me right? so i can just talk about whatever, whenever, however. so how about a giant fuck you to those of you who think that its just fine and dandy to use others to your own benefit and be so selfish as to not give a fuck that when they are in need of someone, to not care enough, or be bright enough, of fucking willing enough to take a glance around and see that some people are as satisfied with anything as they might be....especially people who pretend like the actually give a damn....be consistant at least
be pissed, be angry, be annoyed, be interested -- you got a peak into my thought process, i just wrote, no editing, jus straight real - so take or leave it
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 8th, 2005
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you know - i had this whole thing written out - and i hated it. I was trying to write a story to explain how I am feeling by making it like a short story cuz its always easier to talk about someone else than it is yourself. but nope - i didnt like it.
schools started obviously - been a little over a week. classes will probably be hard, social life will be interseting, girls are overrated, my roomates are my best friends here, and i have a single.
people - and by people i mean like 2 - bug me to update this thing. to write in it - i say i have noting to say. what is there to say? disaster in lousiana? dont get me wrong its a big deal and those fighting for their lives are in my heart but what do i have to say thats gonna be any different? kanye west freakin out on national television - its on college humor, go watch it. nfl starts today...oc starts today. gas prices are obscenely high. Maryland won thier first game and we play Clemson. haha yeah thats all i got.
oh but what about me? what about me? life is a marathon -- sometimes you are in front and winning and it feels great, but then you get tired cuz you've been going for so long and you drop back and people go past you - you see the smiles on thier faces as they run by, advancing one place closer to the lead as you dont understand why you cant keep up. you try everything - sprinting, but then you end more tired...grabbing cups of gatorade to rehydrate and re-energize yourself, but nothing changes. you may even try and cheat, take a shortcut or "accidentally" make someone fall - but of course, that doesnt work. you just keep looking infront of you - hoping that either you see the finish line soon or you somehow get back to the front of the race. when and how, you have no idea - it happens at the most random times and in themost random ways - but you just think to yourself - as the sweat runs down your face and your legs burn and you are breathing heavily and you feel every injury you ever had come back and sting with every forward movement, you pray that it all ends up working in your favor. But thats all you can do, its your only option you're left with. Maybe this wasnt your race to win, maybe you aren cut out to run fucking marathons, but all you are left with are the people around you to push you, the checkpoints to hopefully get some burst of energy and the memory of what being in first feels like. life is a fucking marathon.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, August 12th, 2005
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its been a month and like six days or something.
so, on sunday, i go to canada with the family - i think - and im gone till friday, so i get to sit around someone elses house with nothing to do for a week instead of mine - so i guess that will be kinda interesting for a day or two. and then on the 26th, off i am again down the road to college park.
and now - a lot of us rising sophomores couldnt wait any longer to get back to school because home just isnt doing it for some of us anymore. and i can say that i have not been the biggest fan of being home this summer, but i dont know how rivited i am to go back. dont get me wrong - i love college park and everything i am involved in and my friends, its jus so...i dont know. like, its been only a year and its almost like i am on vacation away from 'home' now and im going back in two weeks. granted, i do live there now for majority of the year, but this is still supposed to be home. its the comfort zone i guess. everything here changed without me, while i changed without it so its too much catching up to do, and too much effort to put forth in so little time only to be separated again, so nothing here cares enough to go back to what was. but hey - i think i've talked that idea to the ground (even tho everyone is always thinking about it)
so stonebridge ended a few weeks ago. shitty season record wise. we only won one meet and we got last in divisionals and second to last in relay carnival but we managed to stay in the same division. preeettttty weird. us coaches got tight tho - its gonna suck to see laura go all the way to boston. ill miss her. it'll be fun if i visit her tho. its weird how just a year ago, her and i didnt get along particularly well but now we were like super tight. funny how life works.
so my high aspirations for summer were a bust - lots of swim team during the week and hanging out with andrew and luke during the weekends. it was cool tho, its much better to be bored out of your mind with somoene else than it is to be bored out of your mind by yourself.
oh yeah - right now - im kinda sorta wanna get into real good swimming shape to be able to go faster than i was last year to maybe have the option of swimming varsity. i was looking back at the thrill of doing well and competing for a purpose and like glory i guess and its such a rush. i mean how cool would it be if i made ncaa meet? and like did well - not that it means anything to like all but like 3 people but shit, thatd be something. plus i get lots of free stuff! haha - maybe ill start with getting in shape and then look at swimming forreal.
lots of random talk on my end. nothing of importance really. jus so you all can keep tabs on me if you really cared at all. im alive, well, bored, my tan is fading, and im ready for a surprise....and i thought of this out of the blue, but i've determined that in order to lead a successful life, one must find the medium between two very good quotes:
"I cant lose what i dont put in the middle" - Rounders
"Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained." - no clue
very simple -- if you dont take the risk, you cant get hurt, but also, if you dont take the risk, you may be missing out on getting something good out of it. so when do you go all in and when do you fold? that my friends, is one hard ass question.
so, with my 16 minute rant, i will bid you goodbye. for those rising freshmen - good luck dont party too much, rising seniors(hs)- have fun, young ones...dont act older than you are -- old people...dont think ur too cool to talk to us youngins....and my class of 2004...the rising sophomores...have a good year, enjoy the new home and remember, next summer will come around and hell we may not even be LJ friends or on each other's buddy lists anymore...but we'll still be facebook friends ;o)
keep it real, everyone.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 12:35 pm. |
| Mood: |  blah. | | Music: | akshay playing warcraft. |
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because the world revolves around curiosity...
1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what color you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal.
aside from this lovely survey of what i think about you if you so decide to allow me to tell you - summer has been -- nothing too exciting i guess. i coach - on a team that is not doing all that well sadly :o( and then i sleep to try to regain the energy to keep the kids at bay at practices and have them excited for meets. its too bad that this may be my last year with stonebridge -- 10 years. thats a long ass time. but i guess i gotta move on some time.
oh college - about a month and a half left of this lovely summer vacation and thus begins sophomore year. damn im getting old. sophomore in college. thats really really like almost a real person old. im not even that excited to go back to school. but its not like i wanna stay here. recently ive had the urge just to get a 9-5 job and just work - eat - sleep and do it over again. i hate how thats so looked down upon in society - to just not go to school and start working in the real world without a college degree. society dictates that the best way to have a good job and be successful in life is to go to college and get a degree. soon its gonna be you are going to have to go to grad school before you want to get a decent job. at least in this area - college is almost like a must out of high school. im not too fond of that. becasue there are peopel that are just simply not cut out for college - so why must they force themselves to go through 4 years of it - in a lot of hard work and drained emotions to scrape by with some general core degree so that employers will actually look at thier resume when they apply to places. its almost unfair. but hey - society's norms dictates life so just roll with it.
yeah, im done.
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Comments: Read 43 or Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | All I need - Right in front of me - I've known before |
| Time: | 1:45 am. |
| Mood: |  mellow. | | Music: | Goo Goo Dolls - Bullet Proof. |
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so its been a solid three weeks i think since ive been home. And there is one overlying theme in most people's lives. at least us college kids
bored
yeah we, for the most part, all have jobs and such. but i dunno - theres obviously a difference between now and high school but i still felt that coming back from school, stuff would kinda be not allllllllll that much different. but hot damn, it sure is. i think its the culmination of everyone, myself included, changing in thier own ways because of the different freedoms and crowds they found themselves in this past year. Even this year's graduates have changed ridiculously. I figure its a lot harder to recognize the changes people go through when you see them day in and day out and all the drama in your life, they are somehow involved in because anything big that happened probably started out in the halls of wootton. And now that every building is a wootton of its own (at least at UMD) and the fact that best friends end up going in complete opposite directions and come back one year older and one year changed, the differences stand out a lot more. Physical and personality changes both. Some people got fat (and by some people i mean me) and then some people got jacked. Some people went in slackers and then came out as some of the hardest workers and vice versa. People grew. People found whats important in thier lives now. Thus comes the empty void left between the friends at the end of August 2004 and the friends that sit at home scrolling through phone books trying to decide who it would be the least awkward person to call when a year ago the call wasnt even needed, they were at your door
im not calling anyone out. im not saying hang out with me or anything to that voice. its more of my report from people watching for three weeks. reading reactions and tendancies. It comes back to where people feel the most comfortable. I did this thing first semester because i didnt do work and i did everything i coudl to procrastinate thus fucking myself over in the end, but in one of my friends' away message - they had an essay to write about what home is. and instead of doing my orgo, i did that. i wrote bout what home was to me. and i mean think about -- whats home to you? at first thought its jus the house you live in, and the neighborhood you grew up in. where you go back to at night. but seriously - homes not about that. for a while - wootton was home. it was where i felt the most comfortable. before wootton - it was my court. becasue everyone got alogn andi could jus go outside and find soemthing to do and jus have fun and smile and have a good time. but now...whats home? i know the definition of it. its where i feel the most comfortable being me and i dont have to worry about putting on a show to fit in. i guess thats why we are all so retreated into our respective corners right now. home changed for all of us. maybe it'll take a little while to get used to moco again or maybe its just a home of the past.
but hey - life goes on. take on the next day with your head up and the outlook that it could be the best day of your 16/17/18/19/20/old age life. everyday brings on somethin new -- you're doin somethin in a way that you've never done before. i guess the biggest thing freshman year taught me is not to be afraid of whats to come. and not to be afraid of consequences. to go with the flow and jus act on impulse instead of questioning everything. working out all the outcomes. if you predict what can happen - then whats the point of going forward with it? Lifes a game that had an accident with a movie. characters come in and out and you gotta figure out your best way to take advantage of what is presented to you - through the turns and the plots and just come out with a smile and successful -- in whatever way success is defined to you?
or maybe im full of shit? haha
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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seriously - why the hell is no one awake? courtney is up but she'll be going to bed soon and im the only insomniac on my buddylist? are you shitting me?
im so bored. i stayed and did my work and was boring as usual. my whole body hurts.
i wanna take a creative writing course but id ont know if im gonna be any good at it. i dont knwo what i wanna do or what im good at anymore. cuz well after this year it sure as hell doesnt seem like i can do anythign science related. im not a history person, english -- i dont know what you coudl do with that except be a teacher or something and i dont really wanna teach english. maybe ill be a professional swim coach. i could do that right? prolly get disowned in the process but whatever.
on a happier note - friday night was so much fun. i had a good effin time at sigma nu. itw as packed liek whoa but i left with some fuuuuuuuuuun stories. haha. ask if you so desire - ill tell you at some point
i hate how i lost an hour and i had to see myself lose it - usually im just asleep andi wake up and its an hour later than i thought it would be....but noooooooooooo -- i had to see it go from like 145 to 246 in a minute. and now its 411.
i kinda hope its pouring tomorrow - i wanna walk around in the rain and get soaked -- anyone wanna join?
yet another pointless -not read post - good day.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
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so what up? its so nice out - like sixty four degrees outside and my window is wide open and the wind isnt being obnoxious or anything. nice way to start the last half of the week.
first week back from spring break is just a lotta work. and i dont think its going to let up. oh well - thus is college
ohhhh man - okay so fur elise just came up on my playlist and it made me happy cuz amanda taught me how to play it last year -- and i was quite pimp at it. oh off periods how i loved thee. haha.
my birthday is fast approaching. damn did year 18 go by fast. good year overall -- cant complain -- too much haha. i got my digital camera back. so now i can take lots and lots of pictures again. i still have to put up pics from spring break in FL so be excited.
this is such a dumb update - i dont know what to say - oh yeah - i had a story i wanted to write -- well it actually happened but i wanted to like write it -- maybe ill do that next week cuz i have to finish my english paper this week. *shrugs* we'll see how it goes.
wow i have nothing to say -- boo on that -- call me or visit me so i have something to write about next time - cool thanks!
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | back |
| Time: | 5:08 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. | | Music: | brother watching tv. |
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well im back but not black...oh well...it was a fun, VERY sketchy, but fun trip. ill explain later, not in the mood right now.
but good lord - one week is over 80 plus updates??? now you all decide to pickup the updating - well everyone except for andrew of course. well im gonna go run around moco for a while - im peacin out
team fl05 -- sketch.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, March 19th, 2005
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well - this time tomorrow i will be in the big FL. yes, fort lauderdale florida. i will return on friday afternoon, the 25th, so dont miss me too much.
if you recieve any interesting phone calls over the next five days at random hours of the day and night - i apologize in advance. have a good week everyone.
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i dunno i have an urge to update
i was sitting here infront of my computer just looking at the scren as usual, thinking - as usual, and i turned on my alarm radio which has my yellow card cd in it and Back Home was on - and i was drinking my sierra mist -- and for a second i thought i was drinking a beer. it was weird. but besides that - it was really weird cuz what i was thinking about corrolated exactly to the song and i realized what this song - reminds me of. when i went home for break during the winter. its so wierd how you corrolate certain songs with certain memories or people or actions,etc.
i like my room here. its a lot bigger than mine at home - or at least seems like it and its fun. i didnt mind having a roomate at all. then again i lucked out cuz we stay outta each other's way for the most part and we get along just fine. its pretty cool. right now hes somewhere studying for his statics exam tomorrow. i only have one exam this week. in my scholars colloquium. it shouldnt be too bad but i should start studying i guess.
ive been thinking a lot - but nothing is wrong - thats a rare thing for me. *shrugs* haha, now number three on the ocean avenue cd came on -- breathing - i like this song too. i like my goatee. i think it looks good but of course people are like - you need to shave. i dunno - i think it looks a lil more natural for me than clean shaven - iiiiiii dunno
i always wanted this one thing. like - there are a bunch of like tv shows or movies and such that talk bout like ya know how like a guy and girl live next to each other. they are the same age and stuff and then they just grow up together always hanging out and like its just a realationship that is somethign totally different than any other best friend or anything -- like those string can phone things? yeah i dunno - i think that woulda been cool to have that in my childhood. hopefully if i get married and have kids, at least one of my kids would be able to experience that and tell me what its like.
its been a good week i guess. i did real bad on my orgo exam but i expect that. and then i got a b or higher on my english paper cuz my professor said it was very good and then told me verygood=b or higher=rahul got to shave to a goatee and it was cool and then i saw anna on thursday, amy on friday, ich on saturday and anna and annie again on saturday. i wish luke and andrew coulda came up. you know whats weird - how i went like 4 years with some people and hell like 7 or so years with others of going to school with them continuously and i never became friends with them until college. it cool. like people were like oh you are just going to wootton again by going to college park. so not true. so a lot of people from wootton go here but that doesnt mean you were friends with all of them. like woodsy or alex crow or sam or jad or beni - like i never was friends with them in high school and now i am. and then like peopel come to visit and its nice to see old faces and then like you realize that there were a lotta people you never really got to know in high school. its cool
i had a dream last night - after i was up until 5 cuz im stupid - that i was home and i was talking to my mom, but i kept seeing like images of my close friends, and itd be liek in the middle of my mom talking and like someones face would pop up and then back to my mom talking and she kept saying how your high school friendships wouldnt last forever. and sometimes im like - yeah i can kinda see it but then i sit back and i let my memories take over and i sit at my desk and think about good times and realize how can all that just like dissapear? like - ive lost touch with a lot of people over the years but at the same time ive got back to a few. staci for example -- we were tight in elementary school and then didnt talk again till senior year. but i mean we were still like nice to one another cuz we were tight back in the day. and i mean i think about it - and like - how do some of the people that i have become so close with through 4 years in high school - how do we allow ourselves to drift apart? we get caught up too much in our own lives away from one another that we forget about what brought us to what we are? take advantage of it for too long and then its gone and moved on when you realzie what you had? i dunno. if thats the case how do people have friends in the 'real world' outside of work friends and neighbors? this selfish attitude that is innate in all humans is quite odd. in that we care too much about the success of our own lives whether we like to admit it or not - from grades to having fun on the weekends to how we look that we forget about the other things out there.. its not like there is someone sitting there like - oh what about me in rahuls life - they are caught up in the happenings of thier own life. i dunno - that was me just running off- did you follow it? i dont blame you if you didnt.
well i need to get my pictures developed soon cuz i wanna see them -- fun pictures on it. i hope i get my digital back before sunday. i doubt it though. one week from right now - ill be in florida. oh i love thinking about that. excluding Team FL05 -- keep your phones on from the 20-25, ill keep you updated on the weather and the happenings ;o) - haha -- enjoy the home stretch of freshman year guys - damn did it fly by fast
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Even though apparently I am one of the few people who can push back time, I decided that I would post on monday night this time.
Moving on, this past week was nothing special. I dont really know how my exam in bio went - but ill find out tomorrow and hopefully i wont have to continue the full out beard. I think im rocking the goatee after though. I havent had it this year and i kinda want it..but we'll see.
I got back into swimming last week. im glad i could get back into it. it was fun, but I am so outta shape but hopefully us having a real coach now will help a lot. Nothing really exciting happened during the week except we had a snow day on monday when it didnt really snow at all but hey - im not complaining.
friday matt and dans people came up for the night and they had a big ass party in their room and that was fun cuz they were cool w/like the floor coming in and out cuz we felt weird crashing on thier like 20 person friends from home party. but i got them back, cuz on saturday night - like half of wootton was at college park and it seemed like everyone was here. luke and adam came up and then luke accidentally called doug - who then came all the way from delaware with joey to party for the night -- that was just really cool. and then i was surprised when anna was in benis room. so eventually i had a lot of my good friends from home and most of my good friends from school all in the same room hanging out talking and just having a lot of fun. i think that was one of the best nights of this school year.
sunday was very lazy and unproductive even though it really needed to be otherwise. we totally went to one of the best restaurants ever -- The Bagel Place - on rt. 1 -- soooooooo good. wow. really go if you havent and can...then today i had a lab practical that i dont even know how i did and am real nervous/dont wanna find out about it.
p.s. im going to fort lauderdale from the 20th - 25th so unless you are going with me and are going to have an amazing off the hook time -- try and be free - cool.
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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i dont really have much of anything to say. last week was week two of shit weeks - but at least thats over
the weekend was really really really needed and it was fun. i got to see all my youngin friends and chill with them and spend time at home not having to do anything. very relaxing, and very drama and stress free - which seems to be very rare in my life.
see - you should want to go to maryland because we get school off for no snow. its awesome -- thursday we got off and it was a dusting and then todya we got off and until 9am there was no snow - like nothing. and it didnt even pick up until tonight. and then everyone else has to plunge through blizzards. that just sucks. im sorry.
moving on - my ankle is still shit. i might go test it out at practice tomorrow. but who knows. its nto all ugly and disgusting and purple anymore but it still is pain.
i got a new phone - its really cool - color - flip - pictures - video - i can make it so that your picture comes up when you call - its real exciting. and now i can download rings so im gonna have fun with that. word.
i have something to talk about. people who say one thing but then act completely differently. and people who make promises to keep consistency but then change like its thier job. its really really annoying. the most powerful thing someone has is thier word. to break your word or to go against it just destroys any respect you had. people need to be more honest and straightforward with thier intentions. i hate when peopel bullshit to my face. AND when people tell me im at fault when they are just as much at fault in a situation if not more. get some guts and take responsibility. you are not perfect and amazing.
/bitching
i finally got to that turning the page thing on last wedensday -- it was real fun actually cuz the kids are really fun. we read and and that was sad cuz i felt bad. they were in 4th grade and they were having a really hard time reading ordinary words. it just goes to show how spoiled i was growing up in such a good community. but they were fun. one girl, shit i forget her name - she made this like poster thing with my name on it for me. just for the hell of it. it was sweet.
i have this huge bio test tomorrow - and im real nervous for it cuz i need to not be stupid this semester if i plan on staying in college.... in college. i was talking to my dad on friday and i mentioned that i dotn think that im smart enough for college. he proceeded to just say no you work hard but ithink i just simply knew how to work the system in high school. i just knew how to get along with teachers and what they would and wouldnt ask cuz it was all like straighforward - not test on concepts and applying it. i just dont know if college is right for me because im not doing anything that is benefiting me. im just failing and im trying so hard not to.
well its 230 - and i have to study/read/maybe sleep? who knows. enjoy your week - and i know a bunch of people are coming back for break - so dont be a stranger
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
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yep - its that time of the week. i actually almost forgot.
i had one of the worst weeks of my life last week and i dont really want to relive any of it -- and friday night didnt help me to forget about it as i wish it would have.
the weekend wasnt even all that great - i watched some movies though - got tricked into watching chicago and then i finally got to see friday night lights which at one point in the movie i got all sad because boobey - the star running back of the team - he tore his ACL but he didnt want to give up football in his senior year so it could get better, so he decided to keep playing - only to hurt it more and then he couldnt play football anywhere near the all american level that he was at before. now i know i was nothing close to spectacular in the pool but boy did that make me feel like shit cuz i didnt want to think about how much i fucked myself senior year with my knee. there are so many what ifs with that season. like what if i just didnt sign up for basketball that year - i never would have been hurt. what if i had skipped basketball practice that day because i was so tired but i went anyways because im stupid like that. what if i had taken a break for half the season to let it heal? but instead - i sit here in my room feeling random stabbing pain in my knee. i cant swim anything like i could. i never will be able to now. but thats my nature - i sucked it up for the team last year. selfless bullshit
today - i was walking to take my xray on my ankle and these people were looking so lost by a parking garage and they asked me how to get to the union and in the span from the parking garage to right before the union - i practically gave a full verbal tour of maryland. it felt cool how like i knew stuff about the school and its only my second semester here. the mom of one of the kids actually told me i should be a tour guide becasue i did such a good job. it made me smile.
and then on the way back to the union later that afternoon to go see melissa -- i ran into somone else who was trying to get to the same place so i took them with me again and did my thing. haha it was actually really fun. i then proceeded to see melissa for the first time since homecoming and that was quite fun cuz she hasnt changed at all. and then -- for all you CJMS kids -- i ran into ben green and had a conversation with him for the first time in 5 years. and THEN after lab - i ran into zach dubin - same story. it was cool to talk to people from so long ago. they look exactly the same - just a little taller. i like running into old friends.
*sigh* im learning so much about myself and how i act and my personality since new years. its really overwhelming because its a lot to take in and deal with at once along with these college classes that are absoluetly destroying me -- i just dont know how to act or think anymore becasue its hard to deal with my actions when as good as my intentions are, either i am not satisfied or a second or third party does not like what im doing. nothing speicfic really. and im not making much sense either.
im listening to way too much goo goo dolls. but they really make such good music. Get Gutterflower and Dizzy up the Girl. I'll send them to you if you so desire.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
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well boy do i have A LOT to talk about
so the week was i dont even know all i know is that the past 4 days were something else. friday - i took care of the entire floor essentiall cuz they all got STUPID and i watched empire records from beginning to end without stopping and it was good times.
now saturday - i didnt get a ticket to the game so i hung out with woodsy and joe for a while and and then we went to tom's dorm with a few other people on my floor and watchign the game there was the next best way to spend the game besides actually being there. but after we won - which was amazing - fuck duke - we own you. we all went to route 1 and i lost all my friends so i was running around liek a crazy maryland student - got on ABC 7 news (http://www.wjla.com/news/stories/0205/206883.html) watch it - its funny - especially when you see me - you'll know its me :o) haha -- so then i got pepper sprayed after that, and that was the most painful experience of my life. not fun at all. i coudlnt see for a good 45 min and i was burning for a good 3.5 hours but im good now for the most part but not without the much needed help and care of KMac and Dara.
sunday i woke up - shawn came down - we hung out - then went to the womens game against duke and we lost - it was a horrible game - but at least we set the ACC attendance record and by set i mean crushed by 3000. so yeah - fuck duke still cuz we still own you. so i guess most of sunday was uneventful until i went to sleep.
so i sleep - wake up after having an interesting dream(will elaborate) - and i find a card on my desk - very sweet - it was a nice card from dara - made me feel good - and then the day was alright for the most part - i decided to be a real sweetheart and surprise doan and that made me feel really good. and i hope it did the same for her - 5 years i figure i know what'll make her smile. and then the day started to suck but thats expected cuz i never have liked the day to begin with but whatever - not any worse than any other year. but want a depressing moment? heres one -- im walking from my dorm to the gym - its like 715 - dark - raining - i have my hood up - alone - on valentines day -- i thought it was one of the most depressing moments of my life - haha but whatever. its over now so that makes me feel a little better.
*sigh* enough of that - i have the weirdest story ever. so, i went to sleep sunday night and i actually remembered my dream when i woke up. so it involved anna and she was at maryland and like we saw each other and i helped her find classes and stuff and annie was there but seh didnt have a schedlue -- you get the point w/some details. so i was like - whoa - ill tell anna that i had a dream about her - thats cool. so i leave her a message on her away message (which wakes her up from her sleep/dream)
the weird part - she had a dream about me also. same night. i woke her up outta the dream w/my IMs and the dream - the plot - exactly the same. like seriously - exactly. i left the room i was so like scared/freaked out. SO weird - but at least it was anna - and not some random person i dont know/hate.
well this has gotten real long - and im tired and sick of thinking and i love goo goo dolls btw so if you know if they are gonna be in concert anywhere - lemme know - k.thanks.
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Monday, February 7th, 2005
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If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want just so long as it happened. Then post this to your journal to see what people remember about you.
you know you wanna...and now for the real deal...
The Automatic, Supersonic, Hypnotic, Funky Fresh Monday Night Ramblings
well -- i can say without a doubt that this past weekend=good mood rahul. it was high quality. friday was interesting to say the least -- people having fun in teh dorms - watching the skulls while two people decide that they can be sneaky and hook up with none of the other 5 people noticing in my room but to no avail. and then i couldnt sleep for the life of me but eventually passed out to wake up at 745 saturday morning for the trip to philly
now at philly - we swam UPenn - UVA - JMU and UNCW and well as you could guess - UMD club swim team rocked the house. it was a lotta fun - and i got a lotta picutures already on webshots and the celebratory party was too good for words. yeahhhh dawg
but i cant say that ive been in a better mood all year(2005) than i am now. its aweeeeeeeesome
now the superbowl was this weekend and it was one of the most painful games of my life cuz i hate both teams but i can say that i was happy cuz yes the eagles lost but i was semi rooting for them cuz i didnt want brady to win MVP and well he didnt so that was good and the eagles lost so i guess it was all good -- deion branch desreved the MVP if i do say so myself
ehh - not my best MNR now is it? OH i know what i can talk about - how i get to kinda see how teaching would be like cuz my scholars program is doing this community service thing where we go to DC public schools and mentor elementary school kids. and i may sound like a huge loser but i really can't wait for it. i think it would be a lot of fun and really satisfying. like i think that community service where you directly effect someone - like helping people like i will be doing, thats the best and maybe the only "real" kind. like - sure, i did a lot of community service in my day - and most of it was dealing with like building stuff that will help people in some way or another but im not actually workign wiht someone to benefit them and thats real cool. its like coaching swimming for me. getting paid for it is awesome but like i enjoy more being like - i taught that kid to swim and to swim fast. and like when they go faster after you fix something its so cool. like i get happier when that happens than wehn i do better myself. and now to help kids in like things that will actualyl take them somewhere -- that should be just awesome -- my only fear is a. not being good at it and b. getting shot on the way there cuz some schools are in southeast
well this is going to the the end of this edition because i cannot think of anything more to ramble about
p.s. hit up the 8min abs -- im gonna rock the six pack abs soon (damn right im being optimistic)
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Comments: Read 28 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, February 5th, 2005
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145 - i got a meet in the morning - i have to be at the parking lot at 820 which means that i have to be up aroun 745 or so
a very odd day -- classes were boring as usual - lab is going to suck cuz my TA is a huge tool -- speaking of tool - ill tell you how im a major tool -- so i went to the gym wiht alex and alan to play bball - courts were full so we decided to play raquetball at the health center next door - we played for a while then played butts up and then they both went to get some water so i was hitting the ball with the raquet in the room and i tried to hit it off the back wall to the front wall - ive done it many times before - but instead - i smashed it into the back wall and it came STRAIGHT back instead of arching over and hit me SMACK in the right eye -- damn did it hurt. but it woulda been hilarious if i had seen it - i wish it was on tape cuz hten id send it to college humor -- but i couldnt see/open it for a while -- but it got better - its still red as fuck and everyone asks me waht happend to it but whatever -- it'll be alright i hope
then icame back and did a bunch of nothing - ended up watching skulls wiht a bunch of people in my room and then iwalekd around and ran into talar which was cool and we talked and shes really nice girl - hopefully we'll be friends this semester. shes smart as hell too so maybe she can make me not have such a shitty gpa.
i wonder if i can go under a minute in fly -- or in free -- ha - this should be interesting. its all mental and its all about heart right? or at least 90 percent....right? right - ill keep telling myself that.
well im getting tired again - and im sick of being awake and concious cuz that equals thinking an thinking is just unnecessary.
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Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
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| Subject: | right |
| Time: | 12:00 am. |
| Mood: | ad;lkgha;lksdjg;aldskjaf. | | Music: | GooGooDolls - Iris. |
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whoa - its exactly midnight - thats crazy - haha
today sucked - a lot. my bio professor is almost as bad as barry smith except with more interesting information -- i cant stay awake - its so annoying -- but philosophy is gonna be cool even though my professor restates things in 50 different ways but hes funny.
maryland loses to clemson -- how does that make sense? its just plain stupid. i ddont know what to say about it. i lost 20 bucks in poker cuz i dont know when to quit - haha - at least it was moeny my mom gave me and not liek MY money....right? i can tell myself that
who knows where my roomate is -- this weekend's meet is gonna be -- well interesting to say the least. school is hard - my dads gonna pull me out unless my report card shows him what he wants to see...and god knows what that is
boondock saints is a sick movie -- for whatever reason when i have short hair i wear my hat all the time
okay - whatever. tomorrows wednesday - i have 2 classes and im done before noon and then starting next week i think i get to go like be a mentor to kids in DC and i really want to do that - i think ill like it a lot
the only place that i feel truly happy is when im swimming - how sad is that - the thing that i quit cuz im a little bitch - that im no good at anymore -- is the only thing that brings a smile to my face recently
i need....
a lot.
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rafoolio23's journal
disappointed.
determined.